My Ailments

I have not been feeling my best. Mornings are getting slower and more difficult to bear; motivation for things like dance class and hiking is low. My bills are late and though I'm aware of this, I'm not dealing with getting caught up.

This morning it occurred to me that my grind is grinding on me. I work in a job that doesn't suit me, in the wrong industry entirely. So far I have been grateful for the paycheck, stability and camaraderie it has afforded me, but I don't want to get too comfortable here. I think it's time for a change. I need to examine my reluctance surrounding that conclusion. I have a notable amount, even though I truly want out of this job...Some combination of laziness and fear.

Furthermore, I'm waking up with itchy rashes on various bodyparts....Leg, arm, belly, neck, face. My guess is fleas, or perhaps poison oak, but my friend Will's theory is far more disturbing. He suggested it might be a reaction to my medicine.

I cannot react to this medicine.

Rashes, nausea, headaches, night-sweats, weight gain...I'll take them all before I'll take myself off Lexapro. These side effects are nothing compared to the weight of my depression when it's raw and untreated. I have been through four of the six anti-depressants on the market in a span of 4 years. The idea that I might run out of options terrifies me.

I used to hate the meds so much; I resented them. But in truth, I'm hopeless without them. Some will scoff to read this...to them I'm just another addict. But would they say the same of a diabetic for needing her insulin?

Drugged or not, I am truly in love with life. The difference is that with the drugs, I can act on that love. I can live. Without meds, I'm just another wrinkle in the blanket.