2006 Whereabouts

2006 Whereabouts

Isn't Idealism is supposed to erode over time?
I've just bought a new timeshare there...
Didn't I get enough of this as a teen? Haven't my peers
Tired of Doing Without, and the lifestyle of one paycheck to the next?
Coffee is not breakfast, or lunch for that matter...at 27, it seems I should know this. Yet--
"I can't afford it" seems to be my choice expression these days...
Choice, mind you, over work without Heart...
Maybe I don't fear it because it's how I started out, as a kid...
But whatever the reason, I derive some visceral satisfaction
From the limitations enforced by that phrase...
I prefer it right now...
Like children protected by the clear boundaries of their fenced-in playground...
"Can't find a job" is another one I've latched onto, despite a satisfactory resume and a competent mind...
And subsequently, "Home" is a car that I just got new floor mats for, fancy ones, with a sun, moon and stars...
An enviable city life surrendered for the quiet of madrone branches...
Furniture traded in for a short stay on a friends couch and a grand leap of faith...
Strange as it may seem, it's Colorado that calls to me now,
With its fist-fulls of dirt and bleating sheep. Somehow
The simplicity of the farming life seduces me,
Despite its promise of poverty and sun-up to sun-down sweat...
For now I'm just waiting for the snow to melt up in the mountains
So I can migrate north for a month of Friendship and Oregon rain...
And then on east, or so it would seem, in time for the thaw...
Colorado, indeed...
Though nothing surprises me these days, when it comes to twists of fate...

Whiskey

4:40 drink
AM or PM...
It don't matter none
Either way...
I know what this means....
Long gone now and
No sense bothering
With simplistic tears....

It's been thirteen years
Since I drank a swig....
Thirteen years since I was a kid
Unaware of how to be truly responsible
For a child left in my care...
Remember how I just left him there?
Neglectful...
Thieving...
Drunk....
She asked me to care for her child and I
Dragged a razor along my
Inner wrist
Between loads of laundry...
High schoolers
Were so much different
In her day...

Whiskey--
I should have told her
To pour my paycheck
Straight into a tumbler...
But I was a child
So I stole it from her...
8, 9, 10, 11 AM...
Sweet mouthwatering candy....
And I...the foolish diabetic
Clueless to my condition...
Craved that sugary sweet
Retched
Moment
When the liquid lingers
Like vapor
In the back of the throat....
My face puckered
Without a thought....

I remember the static
Radio, and the
Blur of the kitchen
When my young teenage body
Had drank it's fare share...
Feeling sufficiently
Confused...

Whiskey--
The hypnotic dancer
Potent breath of an
Unwelcome kiss...
An embrace like
Boa's constriction
in my distant
Consciousness...
Present actions
Perfectly preformed
Through non-attachment...
Not a drop spilled...
Not a whimper released...

Sweet solitude
And the anesthetic effect
Along my veins
Where the sickness
Casually cut...

And yet I boast now
To toss back the
4:40 drink..
As though I've reclaimed
The sacred
Holy Grail...

On leaving...

Santa Cruz is named Saint's Crossing
And indeed my time here has been both Blessed and brief.
I wonder if there will ever be any aspect of "forever" in my life at all; and
At the same time, as I watch the false Idols I've held close to me
Drift back into their prospective places
on the horizon....I see that
There are in fact Truths still in tact. They bear little resemblance
to my expectations, and I am endlessly grateful for that.
Indeed--my life is an exercise in disillusionment.
And my present work is to strip down
to the essential core of my existence...
It is about integrity...
I feel as though I needed to Play for several years... but
Now it is time for work. Soon enough, if all goes according to my
virtually unwritten "plan"-- those two facets of life will integrate more evenly.
And so I leave this place, not with the pain and tears i brought here,
but by the light that I've discovered
within myself
which is beginning to guide me along my way...
I follow, despite the cries of concerned Others
That I must wade around a bit longer in life up to my ankles
Rather than closing my eyes and simply
Jumping in. Hear me: I will check for sharks
And shallow boulders...but
Know that I will jump...