Full Moon Shadow

The recent sight
Of you
Turned my life
Upside down, again
And I was forced
To leave my loved one
Frowning
In the shadows.

You only saw my smile, but
Each encounter with you
Is as if I am returning
To flame-firey hell. I am
As if outside a quaint
Cottage-like door, pressing
My cheek against the dark
Oak, feeling the warmth,
Observing the glowing light
Of sourceless flames dancing
While my soft eyes smile...

And even if the demons
Danced in plain view,
I would likely risk myself
To them, at the thought
Of one more timeless moment
Holding, kissing,
Caressing
Us together...

Sweet poison boy
You are a tragedy
Just waiting for
A beautiful opening
Song; a scene
Which paints most
Picturesque promises
And shreds them then
To ashes, while whistling
A somber tune...

I'll never ask
But will hope in secret
To see you again soon...

Transformation

i'm quietly finished
throwing messages
into the void.
i don't even
scribe them now--
they simply
dissipate--
like sea-soaked
paper tucked inside
green ale-stained
glass...
drifting...

i instead
send thoughts of you
on angel's wings, to
wisp and shape
into the kind of love
that cannot hurt me
any more than
a softly falling feather
or a bit of cloud
from out of
clear and
vibrant
blue...

Acceptance

Previously
I saw
Myself as
Right
And him as
Wrong--
Unaware
That the two
Did not
Mutually
Exclude

Grandfather

I will not list the ways you harmed me:
You already know about the abuse.
This is a letter of forgiveness.

I have to forgive you, because
Holding onto my anger and pain
Is detrimental.

Because of the abuse, I
Have lived with major trust issues, and
Self=destructive anger.

I have been trapped
Inside myself, my pain
I have repeated mistakes
And abused myself
Long after you stopped...
I have suffered and sabotaged
My friendships and relationships...

I have kept my distance
From my family
Because you breached my trust
For them, and I
Have lived in self-pity
For the inability
To see my blessings...

But I forgive you, Now,
Because
Holding onto the anger
Cripples me and keeps
Me down

I am so much more
Then a stupid little kid,
Your servant and plaything...

I have more to give
Then you ever imagined...

So I forgive you
And will regard you as
A fucked up person
Who had his own issues--
Huge issues---
When you walked this planet
And still was Human...

But as far as I'm concerned
I never had a Papa.

Dearest Daddy

My father
Is a gifted
Empath
Who has
Never
Been schooled
In the trade...

He instilled
Greatest
Compassion
In me...I
Inherited
His heaviest
Heart...

What he
Could not
Teach
Was how
To handle
The weight

He can't
Help his own
Suffering
Any more
Than he
Could ever
Help me
With mine

My Levee Broke

Since the 2004 election I have been living in ignorance...
My preference has been to keep the news switched off, rather than live every day
In increasing anger, surging over and again as I listen
To a lying president, or see
His sickening face...

I am so ashamed of the wastefulness of this country...
The selfishness...
I am so endlessly empathetic to the suffering herein that
At times I just can't take it....

Yesterday, I saw my first glimpse of the devastating images on TV...
New Orleans swallowed by Hurricane Katerina...
Thousands presumed dead...
And me, like a fool, in ignorance...
I watched a video this morning, wherein newscasters
Interviewed those left behind...
We had to beg for food, for information, for help. Ain't no one here to help the poor people...

Now I feel the devastation so sincerely
And wish to help...

So I fish into my pocket and scrounge for cash and change
But alas...
I've put it all into the gas pump, just
In the interest of getting from A to B...
Oil prices rising over the dead bodies of my beloved cousin
And so very many others...

I wish and pray
To become one of those Activist kinds of souls...
I have cowered behind my cynicism and sadness for too long...
I recognize that our Human Race needs saving, and I alone
Feel so helpless....

The View From Here

I have been
Ungreatful
Standing,
Screaming out
Declaring
My emptiness,
My purest
Devistation
With what I
Considered
A raw deal

When in truth
I am countlessly
Blessed

Love
Wrapped it's arms
Around me, and
I only felt
Strangulation
I thrashed
Without considering
Who might be
Standing
In harm's way

My
Self-sabotaging
Tendancies
Have mutated and
Reformed into
Subtle, elusive
Lesions
On my soul

They look like
Shadows
From afar...
But get too close
And they
Will bite

My task
Is not to
Feed them
Anymore

Babble...

2 days left of work at the semiconductor plant. On Tuesday, I start working as a nanny for a wealthy Saratoga family. The change is far less drastic than my move across the country last summer, but it is putting stress on me. I'm having anxiety dreams and have all but lost my appetite. I'm terribly afraid of the dad. Partly, I think that's because I'm afraid of Dad's. But also, from what I've seen so far, I really don't like the way he deals with the littlest one. He yells at her and punishes her for what is certainly age-appropriate behavior. My inner child relates intensely with the stress that puts on her....

I hope to be able to influence this family in a positive way....

I'm going to change the names of this family for confidentiality.

I dub thee...
Oldest girl...Goat Girl
Oldest boy...Young Einstein
Youngest Girl...Little Bunny
Dad....The Dad
Mom....The Mom