Reflections Through Tear Drops

may i please have permission
to scream?
these tears in my throat
are choking me
and the child within
beats her small hands and fists
in an unending tantrum--
may i
crawl into bed now
forever please?
this all feels too much...
i have
countless emotional battles to fight--
the onlslot is flood-like in this
desperate moment--
i was never parented! i was
terrorized
and grotesquely abused...
it's not my fault, i wish to cry
i seek to hide my stack of unopened mail
behind these truths...i don't deserve
to have to suffer all of this!
i seek to record it on the voicemails
of collection agents and creditors...
the way i've criticized
other survivors
for doing....
i feel now the severe burn
of the endless uphills...
speed bumps jutting up like blades...
i know not of beauty and safety,
of abundance--how can i seek
to manifest these things
when i can't form the wish?
i might as well ask for the moon...
sliver above my yesterday
glistening sea calm surface--
flat and gentle
while gillions of life forces
exist and perish beneath--