Sometimes

Sometimes
I forget that I
Am a timeless
Spirit, gracing
This human form
For some sensible
Reason...
Sometimes
I forget that I
Am not my Ego...
Sometimes I am reminded
That being Human Is no excuse
For carelessness...
Sometimes
I am reminded
That pure Goodness
Dwells inside me...
And then I dance...

I and My Spirit

Yesterday
I caught a glimpse
Of my true Spirit...

She would measure
Ages old if Time
Were real...
She has known
Other Worlds
And has chosen
To manifest in this one
For some purpose...
If I destroy
My Human form,
Either by believing
Too fully in Ego
Or by disregarding
The necessities
Of my day-to-day
Then her visit here
Is wasted...
I see so clearly now,
As if through the
Very wise eyes
Of some higher being...
And thus I choose
To end
The glorification
Of my personal suffering...

I have wasted
So much energy
On Wanting
When in truth
I am so sincerely
Blessed....

For this, I am sorry...

I Remember...

The wind
Of your whistle--
Joyful breath
As you once held me,
Resting me
Upon your
Rise and fall
Chest...
Caressing my hair,
Touching my face--
The soft fingertip
Of a single moment...
*Sigh*

How I wished I could
Freeze that moment--
Listening to the song
Of one intermittent instant of
Peace

You, there, lying with me
Instead of to me...

Signs of Change

i braided my
anger, hang-ups and confusion
in a knot at the back of my neck
and told the woman
I'm Ready.

snip!

goodbye, again, bn

Others
See Me
As One
Who
Isolates
And Pulls
Away...
I See
The
Same
And
Wonder
Why I
Am Alone...

Be-Longing

Even though I have always appeared
To fit in, it is rare
That I find true belonging...

So rare that it is beginning to scare me...

I look around and see
Dialogues and hugs exchanged
And it's okay that I'm alone...

There are moments when I almost boast of it...

But times come up when
Shades drawn on strangers windows
Seem a sign to shut ME out, and

Tomorrow's coming promises nothing
But the awareness of others
Who have others, while I am still just me...

Wanting not for others' suffering,
But what choice do I have except to wait
For a window into which I can quietly slip

In hopes that someone might mistake me
For a permanent fixture...

Impatience

The pain you caused me
Has dissipated and
Dissolved
Into a dull shadow...
My tears
Have dripped and dangled
Along their dwindle way...
The
Subtle hollow
Of the rift
Within mySelf
Has given way to quite the void...
It has swallowed my being, my voice...
Within the cave of
Darkest enlightenment
Tuneless echoes
Beg a sorry plea
For dancers...
Meanwhile my
Ripple smile reverses
In a cold puddle...
There comes the scent
Of sunlight
Dawning on soft wind
And still I
Question the coming
Of the new day...

Miracles
Like tiny
Diamond flecks
Rain down
Gentle soothing
Sounds

Dissolving
Upon impact
Yet manifesting
Permanence

Divinest
Of events
So real and
Yet so utterly
Lacking
Of evidence

Confession

You poison me with your existence
Slowly, like the seeping sun
Into crisp summer skin...

I duck into shade and feel
All at once, both
Starved and satisfied...

Like the last orange seconds
Of our coastal sunset
Moments with you are worth
The labored trip...
And I am tripping...

I ache to hold you
In the forest, by a creek
Hard and fast:
Lose my boundaries
In your warmth
And breathe you in--
One final breath
Before I walk away again

Witnessing
The crinkle
Of our healing laughter
Upon the radiance of your face
As I go...
Your earnest pain,
Your ache like art
That I might once again
Leave you barren
On that bank...

I long to see you...
If only by glimpsing
Through deciduous leaves...
If only to have our
Inevitable fight...
Just a bit of time with which to feed
My craving for your
Rare-vitamin-like-nourishment...
or is that addictive-toxicity?

You are polluted
But my thirst
Begs me to drink...

Beneath this full moon
I feel lightness of heart

Change in imminent, and I
Am hopeful.

Behold, there are lessons in the land of self-blame:
Don't seek them out. Instead, have the consciousness
Of a diver, who must be sure that his equipment is right,
His coordinates correct, who must know how to swim
Before, by sifting through seashells, he at last finds a pearl…

There must be some balance
Between
Recognizing negative feelings
And
Refusing to honor them

Repression
Made me sick, and I
Wish not to repeat...

But I fear
The weight
Of my negative emotions....

By adding art

To my writings

I bear witness to my own

Tremendous sadness...

But I don't live out that sandess

In my day to day

How do I manifest

My joy and blessings?

My Voice: A New Mutation

10 days ago, things went awry

I didn't know that I still had the capacity
To sink so low. I didn't know
That I could turn within for strength and find
A volatile demon hibernating there...

He waved at me and his glistening
Blade shown with remarkable beauty:
An exclaimation point in the glimmer
Of metal-reflected Light.

Cut*, he said.
Cut,
Down the center,
Throat to pelvis,
One thick line.

I have ears, and yet
I didn't know that I could still hear him so well.
I have a voice, and yet
I didn't know that I could cry for help.

In renewed awareness, with
Rested senses, I realize this truth:
There will always be voices,
And there will always be choices

My challenge now is to prioritize...

*I chose not to cut. Utilizing an old trick, I drew the line with red ink instead. I grew tired of seeing it before it washed off...as if to prove, I was better off using ink...for as we all know... scars don't fade.

"You are such a great girl.
I can't wait until you figure that out."

The Last Blue One

When I met you
My heart turned to glass
And we, together
Dropped it in the sea
To watch it sink

Your jet propellers
Caused a crack
As the heart fell, and
You circled your speed boat
Round and round
At the surface

In time, when the heart
Finally shattered
Beneath the weight of water, or
Some carelessly cast stone

You were no longer there to see
The crystalline garden light show
Like a million sparkling stars

A galaxy of rainbow colored jewels,
Kaleidoscopic miracles,
Shimmering in late summer sun

(for bn)

To My Friend

I'm not the first to feel the cold
Of what you call your gentle breeze...

I've seen you blow others out of your life
And then flee the wreckage of the storm...
Secure in your safety and only
Technically compassionate
For the lives left behind...

You think that Love is about whatever man is in your bed
Yet I Loved you, truly and as best I could...
That doesn't stop for me...
This was not intended to be a disposable friendship...

Unlike the men you dance between
I believe in you when we communicate eye to eye...
I have been touched by your true nature...
I have heard you cry out look more deeply into me!
And I have done just that...

Then
Within a week you called me a best friend and
Left my life forever...

Now I look around myself and all I see is loneliness.
You might be the only one who knows
The depth of my sadness...
The only one I could talk to about how close I am right now
To my demons...
And how badly they want to hurt me...
Are hurting me...

I feel I'm dying in this moment and sincerely wish to know
That you still care...

IT
SEEMS
I HAVE BEEN
WAITING
FOR MY LIFE
TO SUDDENLY
TAKE ON SOME
DISCERNIBLE
FORM
OR
SHAPE...
TO
WHICH
I CAN POINT
AND DECLARE--
THERE!
THAT'S IT!
IT'S REAL!

New Moon

I asked for help under this new moon
To rid myself of addictions to drama, gossip and pain....

If the moon is meaningful to you...
Or if you simply dare...
I encourage you to make this kind of conscious wish.

This Crow Is No Longer Scared

Pardon me...
I was just moving on with my life
When to my great surprise
I paused to hear you speak
From your heart...

Turns out it was
Merely the echo
Of a hollow vessel...

Don't mind me...
I apologize for stopping, and
I'll be on my way,
Leaving you to your
Pathetic rusty clattering...

Heartache

There is no other way
Above, around, behind--
My only choice is to go through it.

Tales from the Ward

Deliever me
Out of my sadness...

All of my life,
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you

Now that you're here
Now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through...
-Sarah Brightman

Years ago I was hospitialized for suicidal depression...in group, one of the therapists played the above Sarah Brightman song for us with instructions to turn the lyrics inward and play the love song for ourselves...

It was a useful exercise for me and one that I've encouraged others to try out, but I never could remember which song we had used...

Recently I have been struggling to stay on top and I have been utilizing angel cards as prayer aids. They have indicated music as important for me...which, in general, it is not. My roommate is out of town this week so last night I got on her computer and played her iTunes...and unbeknownst to me I played the above song...then began to recall it's significance in my life.

Synchronicities are everywhere and my Angels are speaking to me...
I am asking them too...
It may sound ludacris to you but it works........

Unconditional Love Is Hogwash

Unless we're talking about infants, here, or pets...
By all means
Please put peramaters around your love!
Set conditions--
Or at least recognize that
Unconditional love
Is a figure of speech...
A matter of heart...
Dysfunctional in reality...
It cannot exist in coexistence!

Unconditional love
In the wrong hands
Is an invitation to mortal wounds
Leave it for mothers
And holy spirits...
But mere humans--
Let it alone!

Unconditional love is killing me...

Finger Prints On Sliding Glass

You are the December candy cane
On July's reminiscent Christmas tree
Whose bristle orange needles
Imprint my youthful deck

I am the sorry child
Risking scratches for one sweet lick
Stale melted sweetness to pass painful time
Until someone unlocks the doors and
Allows me back in...

The Toast

I pierced a Faerie's wing
With my delicate toe
And though I severed him
He kissed me gently on the lips...

I pierced a Faerie's wing
As it lay broken on a leaf
He picked a crystal from the feathers
And offered it to me...

I pierced a Faerie's wing
He grasped a daffodil
Mixed wine from tears within its cup
And we drank merrily...

Present Discomfort

I keep checking in here....
As if to think that some part of me
Might have posted consciously
On my behalf...

In truth I am
Posting shameful writings elsewhere
My separate blogs serving
To separate
Aspects of my self...

I am not wholly unified...
Will I ever be?

I guess it does not matter
I just wish
To blog here instead of there...

It would indicate so much to me
About my own healing

-------------------------

I was blessed to receive a comment on my other blog
From a teenager
Who identified with my pain...

It served to remind me of my desired role
Of Survivor...

My irony is that
I wish to give hope to others and yet
Choose not to quell my own pain

I wish to deter re-victimization and
Self-mulitation
Yet I re-indulge myself in new ways, and old...

I remember reading of misery
In early teens, and longing deeply for it
Before I was aware of what was mine to own...

Healing is a journey, and it is not my place
To stop another
From journeying their path.

Pain can be poetic
But maintain balance...
There are no words to be written from beyond this life.

I guess I can say that where I once
Hurt myself
I now choose to write my pain...
Good or bad, it is my art...
I own it now...

But no longer will I let it defeat me--
Ragged razor marks on wrists,
Sickened spirit by popular toxins,
Double dog dares undenied unto an early death...

It is simply not about "cool..."