here, now

this is my long awaited loneliness:
my life in child's pose
for days,
months on end
This to shall pass,
but there is no telling
when

it
devistates me,
yet i am compelled
to dance.

it angers me,
yet i an consumed
with gratitude

i am
torn but not
tattered

i walk in final company
today, and after this
i shall slip
silently
into certain
seams and folds in space-time
and cry the tears of those unseen

those who walk a path offbeat
though they never as much
volunteered

the stillness of this moment

i've taken my cues. and sit tightly now
awaiting
some particular planetary alignment
or steady forceful gale
to clue me in
as to the whereabouts
of my life's direction...

culmination

it all ends
without
regret

i cuddle the children
and sing the goodbye song

but i cannot finish
with this lesson
in truth
until i can answer
the question
of why i chose

to go to work for this man

in the first place

when i observed
disrecpect for his wife and
unjust punishment of his two year old
before day one? he who
invokes christ's name
to justify his nightly scotch
and prays for the new doors
on his mansion
to fit...
he who serves up codine coctains
and spanks his kids
fiercley, wondering
why they
hit
the
baby

all judgement aside:
what made me
choose this?

anniversary

i don't want to share this moment
with anybody
it is happening now
wood fire rages,
and the calendar
strikes the hour when
you were captured
bound, and thrown
into your own trunk
strangled
with rope
and tossed
to cold philadelphia
pre-dawn streets
beneath a freezer truck--
while miles away
i slept
in the pits of my existence
propped up against a locked apartment door
cold tile hallway
no one inside

me--i have come
immeasurably far
from that space and
time

i
can't believe
you chose death
when i asked for your hand
in healing

i want you, i said all those years ago
on a peyote pastel afternoon
you and i, together, without the drugs.
you were frank. you can't have that.
this is it for me. i'll party until i die.

you loved me as best you could
after that
but you knew you had to
let go

something
i still haven't learned...

i used to beat my fists
against the ground
and cry out about how you promised
to always welcome me...
call you a liar...
curse my luck for losing someone i
loved purely...

but sooner or later
i began to stand straight
and accept
that though i never saw
your faded face resting
on your casket pillow
still and eternally
you are gone

ghost

he knows to find me in eugene....
the last time i saw him he
waved to me
from the platform
as my train rumbled away...
coincidence is aplenty
on this anniversary weekend...

you see,
i know his story.
the rope marks,
the neighborhood.
i know his history.
it followed him
into the grave

the debt was serious
he knew he was in deep from the start,
but he was cocky as hell,
and he was real well connected.

our first dates
were route runs and
deals cut with
cabbies

in the end,
it was a combination of
his generosity and greed
that did him in
as he fed us all
more and more
and cared for his income
less and less

i watched his demise

and for years now
i've grappled
with sharing the burden

it is pouring out of me now
i knelt at my notebook
and wrote furiously
last night
and his spirit signaled me
for sure...

he came through the radio today
and is sending me now
on a train to Eugene

there is magic
on this
full moon November night...

Prayer on the full moon, Oregon trainride night

Let me not be
A slave
To my loneliness...

Grrr...

i have learned to say No
and mean it
but somehow
i still hang around
until i get pushed down
on cement...

i declare
to myself
that i won't
tolerate
something

and then i
wait around
moping and
fucking off
until the other person
shames and
humiliates me

what a weird thing to do to oneself...

repitition

it feels
like everyone i know
is looking at me
and saying
i told you
that job wasn't going
to work out.
like children
on the playground
calling out their
taunting songs

but dammit!
i knew it too!

why do i
continually
choose
to fail
by trusting
those who i
clearly ought not?
sobbing out
shattered porcelain doll
sadness
at inevitable
endings--
what foolishness!

i could stand
in blissful ignorance,
calling out the question,
or simply
tut my tongue
to ask why
my lessons
repeat

violent
persons
boyfriends
employment situations
violating
over and again

glorifying
my tears

or accept
the most poignant lesson of all:
despite it's seduction
i am truly done
(exhaused and defeated)
with this
lifestyle
now

after suffering it:
always the same
over
and over
and over again

peace be the journey

my dear children:

if nothing else please remember these words:
this is not your fault.
you will find in life that
most things aren't as simple as
whose fault is it.

you are christian children.
i was raised as a catholic, and
grew up to become a student
of all the world's religions.
i like the way the buddhists look at life
and often remember it: for to them,
there is not Right or Wrong.
things simply Happen. things simply Are.

i have found that blaming and accusing
don't make my problems go away,
but in fact add to them,
by raising defenses
and stirring up anger.

it is better to look inside your Self
and ask: what can I do
in this Minute right now
to feel Okay?

since i started working here
i have not been able
to take good care
of myself. i spend
too many hours
away from home,
i worry alot when i'm there
and i can't do
the things that
i want and need to do
for myself.

so i am choosing to leave.
i am sorry.

i will miss you.

i don't live far,
and you can contact me
any time you like.
come over if you want to, and
i'll take you to the beach.
favi will bring you
you are good people
with so much
to learn

my hope for you is that
you'll slowly learn
to take care of your Selves.
to love your Selves,
respect your Selves,
and protect your Selves.

i know because i had to learn this too...

whether you are happy at school,
whether your days go well or poorly,
whether alex and colton stay your friends,
whether you like your new nannies
and teachers,
whether your getting yelled at
or whether your parents are fighting...

remember that you are not alone
i have suffered
much of your pain
and pain of my own
as has everyone else you meet
or see walking by
if you call me up
i can tell you my stories
like the one about
getting hit by a car
because i wasn't safe
crossing the street

you are not alone...

as you are taught,
jesus is with you.
i believe also that my cousin
Lt. Brian McPhillips, USMC
will watch over you know
that he knows you
and since you took
such good care
of his belongings
when i loaned them to you.

and i will always remember you
and love you
across mountains and oceans

and may we meet again
someday,
among pirates and dragons...

hello, this is me, and i am judgemental

to me
it
is
about
so
much more
than
physical
hitting

it is
about
power
humiliation
shame

kids act up
parents react
over-reactions
are frequent
these things
are "normal"
but
i am
so sensitive
and so inclined
to project my
experiences
onto the children
i care for

i seek to
protect them

when in truth

everyone
travels
their
own
path

my abuse
made me who i am,
and i am wonderful
so whose to say
it won't do that
for others

but then again,
abuse combined with
abandonment
it put some i love
in peril
and there they stay

alas

my mother
was raised by strangers
and
she is a beautiful person
with a pure heart
and clear being

the child
is her zodiac twin

peace be
all journeys
and allow me
the gift of acceptance

usurper

on monday
i asked him
for a meeting
told him that
i am unhappy
and needed
a dialogue,
followed by
a day off

on wednesday
he granted me
my meeting
on his terms:
claimed to call me
to him
to criticize
my intonation
with the children
(this from the man
who said
i should not be afraid
to yell at his children
more often)
and granted me
an additional
paid day off

fucking usurper

What
IS
Violence

yikes

"I resign, I crashed your porsche, and I need the day off on Friday...."

reminiscent

would you believe that i still
suffer
sometimes

and i don't just mean
when i'm out in town
and your friends give me
the cold shoulder


or when i'm dancing
to your music
at a party
and you won't even
glance up at me
and wink

i don't just mean
when i'm lonely
and remembering
how you were the only
boyfriend
who even knew
how to handle
my illness...

most days
i suffer
just a little bit
because
i never meant
that you should truly
leave my life

and because
it is still you
who i wish to
talk to, and
laugh with,
and sleep with

or even just to
share a smoke with
two friends

i've asked you before
and i'll ask again...
why can't we just
run away together
and take care
of each other

my love for you is pure
and true

i hope you are well...

depressed

the weight
of my present space
has shrunk me down
to three feet high

the precise distance
between the floor
and this red pillow
upon which i rest
my head
cold and hidden
from the sunshine
day

i feel hateful
and hated

it's not fun

what a shitty week this has been

to punctuate it...
I backed
my employer's
enormous vehicle
into a porsche,
which crumpled
like cardboard

while the oldest girl
screeched
is this annoying? is it?
as the boy
stood carelessly
changing clothes

i had to leave
a fucking note
because of course
it was my duty
but goddamnit
one piece of me wanted
to just take off-
fuck the porsche,
i need my money!-

the children
saw me hesitate
but also saw my
gesture. i did not dare
jet
in front of them.


Moments later
i had horrible gas
and the littlest one
(my favorite)
said i was poopy
and that we needed
to change me.

it was the
worst
afternoon
and
all the while
my phone
stayed silent

you don't even have the balls
to dump me
straight up

Why I Sit Alone Tonight

We slept
Together
Last Weekend:
Perpendicular
And fantasized
About our plans
For Every Saturday
(You chose the topic!)

We made love
Without kissing
in a gaping
Embrace, with no
Laughter, and
Smoldering smoke
In the brutal
Cold night

You said Do you think
It can work? Us, together,
For a long time?

I think we were
Having fun,
I answered
And then something
Changed.
In you. Your tone.
Your positioning. The
lighting on my
Pores. Your
Subconscious
Definitions of
Love and Lust.

You might be skateboarding now,
Or thinking about what
Happened.

Was it because
You saw my illness?
The real one, beyond
This contagious cold?
Because I cowered
Beneath an unfounded fear
Of your fist, and wept
For eight straight hours
on Halloween's eve?
Was it because
We watched your
Ex-girlfriend
On TV, right before I
Wrote a poem for you
And pleaded
For your touch?
What did you see in me
That so repulsed you
Beyond a snot-soaked
Old sweat sock?

I feel retchid
And scaly
With limp knotty
Yarn hair and
Red rotting
Eyes
Were you to come by,
That's what you would see:
Just a fucked up onld
Dragon face, puckered
And pouring out fire

Choose

go
if you go
without hesitancy

stay
if you recognize
your own fears

wait
if you don't think
you're certain
about me
yet

don't
act in haste--
without breath

choose

one way or the other
don't tell me
the outcome

i don't want
to hear it

fucker

you and your
fucking defenses

----

you are inherently unforgiving

-----

you don't give a shit
about me

------

it was not my
best weekend...
i was ill, after all
and i was bleeding...

you called me needy
and shrugged off my
embrace. said you'd
be by to see me, to
help me out. said
you'd phone, and didn't.

said so many things
that were empty
as it turns out.

i recognize poor behavior
and am guilty of it, too.
i forgive it. but you,
you cruise by my place
with your trunkful of my
belongings, and call me promptly
upon chickening out
of leaving them there for me

asking for a date tonight.
so you can dump me.
that's the evening plans i
am looking forward to
on this cold, crying child
November day.

_________________


there are other good looking guys out there. he is not the one
for you. he is not the one you're going to marry. you had some fun,
and that's that.

sickday

my body
resists
the affects
and fights me
for caring
the children
whose parents
do not...

each illness
is just that much
more laboring

i can't care
for children
at my own
expense
no matter
how my heart
longs to....

what next?

my earnest desire:
to get used to you

my most vivid fear:
that i might
be impossible
company

Trust
Is a game
Of dare
That I play
With myself
Forgetting
The rule structure
All too often

be live

open your arms to me
when i crawl into
your nuzzle chest

hug me by firelight
with limbs and legs entwined
in safety's strong
embrace

enter me
convincingly
and always
gently
as when you slid
inside of me last evening
(i arched my back
in urgent lust)

did you feel your length
knock against
my heart?

darling, i fear it:
if you knew about the
crevice there,
up into which
you've found a
secret way...
might you off then
on some new quest?
might you stop then
with white flowers and
fish dinners? with
sudden explosive laughter
and violent love songs?

i have been warned:
your feelings are fickle
and you've seen how swiftly
i can head out on my way--

realize please
that i came back to seek you out
and as i do...
believe....

i can't quite tell
whether you love me
or despise me

tonite

i am my silhouette-- silent
as orange october leaves lay
on steaming pavement

i am spying
barely hidden behind
winter-bare tree trunks

ankle deep in intermittent snow
uncomfortably wet
painfully cold

i am souring on sweetness
as to be in love seems to require
stronger defenses

i am freezing, but refuse the offer
of a blanket

i am moonlight

i am breath
without peace

Idle Laments

have you ever extended
a caring hand
only to have it swatted away?
have you ever stood
arms open beneath a window
only to watch her retreat
and dive out the other side?
have you ever withheld an apology
that you've already offered
ten thousand times?
have you ever tried to save a life
only to discover
that your help is not wanted?
have you ever tried to rationalize
with someone whose sanity
teeters?
have you ever been a trusted friend
to someone who hates the world?
have you ever adored her young daughter?
did you ever perceive the danger?

she asked me for help
so many times
and i tried to find her definition...

i was always wrong...

in the end, she who turned away
from me, disbelieving in the Truth
of my friendship and point of view...

she can't stand the thought of me
while stupidly
i still sit here,
caring in silence